Thursday, February 12, 2015

Remembrances and Plans

It has been a year since Dad passed away. The past couple of years have been weird and challenging and foggy but things are on the up-swing.

The year prior to Dad's death, I was in a depressive fog that didn't really allow me to fully enjoy my life. Plus, there was Dad's declining health that we all had to contend with....but I can't blame my non-engagement in life on that. Yes, the last couple of months before his passing were spent pretty consumed with helping take care of him, but that doesn't account for the other 9 months. You would have thought that I would have been happy...I mean, I was working at a job that valued me, I got to take a great trip to Hawaii and give something wonderful to my folks, I got to witness my friend Sara wed the perfect man for her, and I know there are so many other really good things about that year that I'm not recognizing primarily because of this weird fog that I was in where I felt like I was just watching everything but not really participating in it and hearing this horrible voice in my head saying that I didn't belong.

Then, this past year, I spent much of it still in this fog. Again, I've had some great times. This past year has been spent on really reconnecting with my family. I've spent more time with my Mom and my sister than I have in a very long time. Mom and I have taken some great trips together and realized that we are pretty okay traveling together. I feel more at ease with my sister than I have in a very long time. But still, for the majority of 2014 I was still just watching my life pass me by. I still wasn't engaging in living my life and at this point in time, I really need to stop this whole watching of the life and truly lean into my life and live it.....this is it......embrace being alive.

With that being said, I'm making the effort to embrace it. I admit that I may still not be the most gregarious person on the block and when I'm with people I will still be more of a stand back and watch than a jump in a participate....but part of that is because I really do enjoy watching other people and don't feel the need to be the center of anything...usually.

I am also tapping into my creative side more and more and, while I may not be any good, I am going to post here more of my artistic be prepared.

So, enough confessing and emotional vomiting..... On with the day......