Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Losing Loser

Well, I've officially hit the point where I've gained back all the weight that I lost last year...hopefully, though, I'll be able to stop the progression. Wait, not hopefully....I WILL stop the progression. I lost that weight by taking a physician prescribed pill, which was basically legal speed with the added bonus of having an appetite suppressant...I didn't learn anything from being on that program and as soon as the medicine stopped.....well here we are.

I'm addicted to weightloss programs and I go into them with great expectations...only to sabotage myself within 24 hours. I recently attempted a new program that focuses on your metabolism and hormones and getting everything in balance. It requires a lot of supplements and protein drinks and a very strict menu. I've been trying it for about two months now and have yet to make through an entire day without cheating. It is killing me....

I came to the realization yesterday that it really wasn't worth me continuing to spend the money for the supplements and all KNOWING that I'm not going to follow the program. I walk out of there KNOWING that I'm going to cheat. When I came to this realization I mentally smacked myself in the head and admitted that I have a big problem. I then went home and started looking at Overeaters Anonymous (it is the Alcoholics Anonymous program but for food). I really know that I have a problem as I sat there and looked through their website while eating a can of frosting....yes, spoon in hand eating frosting reading about how I have no power over food....and I started to cry...again.

Today I'm at a point where I don't really want to participate with my family at Christmas...and it isn't because I don't love them and don't want to see is because I know there will be pictures taken and conversations had and I will feel like a failure and a fraud. I know that my family will read this and I know that they love me no matter what and that they just want me to be healthy and happy. And I know that most people don't understand my problem with food....hell, I don't understand my problem with food. I really do not understand why I can't stop eating....I just know that I can't seem to have "just one" of anything. I know that I don't need or want anybody saying to me "do you really need that? haven't you had enough? should you be putting that in your mouth?" Those phrases just push me over the edge and cause me to feel horrible guilt and will drive me to binge when I'm alone. If I'm out with you, let me monitor myself; let me beat up on me without added pressure.

Therefore, I'm taking the first step in the Anonymous playbook and admitting that I have a problem and there is no quick fix or miracle pill that is going to help me. I know that I need to stay focused and continue to admit that I have a problem and find a healthy way to address it. I've also rejoined Weight Watchers....again. Maybe this time I'll stick to it....maybe. I'll keep you updated.


Sara said...

I offer no advice, only support. I like the idea of admitting the problem being the first step, although it kinda breaks my heart :( But admitting to the problem seems an important part in pursuing a solution, and I want that for you. There is nothing wrong with being addicted to programs.... it will help you get to the one that actually works, right?

Jay said...

I have to agree with the wise Sara!! NO advice, just love and support!! Now that you have bravely bared your ARE coming for Christmas, aren't you??

Jane said...

Girl, join the crowd. An ongoing struggle.

This is well written and heartfelt. Here to support too!!!